


One Fateful Night

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-11-15
Updated: 2003-11-15
Packaged: 2018-12-27 15:05:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12083565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: One fateful night leads Brian and Justin on a journey neither expected.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

The concrete wall was cold against his back, the music pounding in his head, the feel of his dick being sucked was almost too much for Brian. Looking across the room he spotted a pair of blue eyes fixed on him. Pushing the trick away Brian mindlessly wandered toward the blonde in the corner of the club. He was drawn towards him and nothing was stopping him from having him tonight. No one, not even Justin. Taking the blonde by the hand he pulled him toward the backroom and pushed him forcefully against the wall, pulling at his belt as he kissed him. Yanking down his pants Brian dropped to his knees and looked up into the eyes of his very own soul. 

 

"How the fuck am I supposed to make it without you?" was all he could think. His hands wandered to caress the face of his lover as he continued his assault on his dick. Brian felt his own cock growing harder as he felt the younger man's dick quiver. Standing he turned him around and pushed deep into him. He was home, Brian Kinney was right where he belonged. As he leaned in to kiss the younger man his clouded mind realized that the blonde in front of him was definitely not Justin Taylor. He felt his dick soften as he pulled out of the man and stumbled towards the bar with his pants still unfastened. As he reached the bar everything started to spin and Brian Kinney fell into the arms of one very surprised man. 

 

Brian woke up the next morning with one hell of a headache and couldn't remember anything but those blue eyes staring at him from across the room. It was as though he saw into his own heart. Padding across the cold floor barefoot, Brian grabbed the almost empty bottle of Beam and fell on the couch for his morning cigarette. Realizing he was nearly out of booze and cigarettes he grabbed the keys to the jeep and opened the door to find Lindsay standing there. 

 

"What the fuck do you want?" he asked turning back towards the kitchen. 

 

"I want to know what the fuck you think you're doing Brian?" 

 

"I'm getting laid. Just like you all think I do. Why the fuck do you care? You have Gus and Melanie. What the fuck do I have? Oh yeah I have Jim, here, or I will as soon as I get to the store and get more of him." 

 

"Brian, you have a problem and you need help. This isn't going to help you get Justin back." 

 

"Fuck Justin. Now get the fuck out of my loft Lindsay. I don't need a lecture. I need a fucking drink," Brian seethed. 

 

"Grow up Brian. Justin loved you and you couldn't admit that you loved him. And to top it off you let him walk out without ever telling him. Now get off your ass and sober up and go get him back, before it is too late," Lindsay slammed the door shut as she left. 

 

Brian sat staring at the door for what seemed hours before he got up and headed for the kitchen. Opening the fridge, he grabbed a bump and a beer. Searching for his keys he headed out the door towards the elevator. When he reached his jeep he looked over and saw the blue Honda parked across the street and his heart started to race as the blonde got out and crossed the street. 

 

"Brian," Justin smiled that devastating smile that left Brian weak. 

 

"What do you want, Justin? Did you come here to tell me I'm a drunk too?" Brian was fuming. 

 

"No Brian, I came to get the rest of my stuff. I couldn't care less if you drink yourself to death. It's your life and nothing I ever wanted mattered to you anyway. So just keep fucking your tricks and trying not to feel anything. It's what you do best. Now can I get my stuff or not?" 

 

"It isn't here. I took it all to Debbie's. I thought she would have called you and told you. Or maybe she doesn't have the number to your violin player's place," Brian spat. 

 

"Not that it's any of your business but I'm not with Ethan. I'm at the dorms. I've applied for a scholarship, which Lindsay says I have a good shot at getting it. Then you can finally be completely free of me Brian." Justin was holding back the tears as he looked away from his former lover. 

 

"What do you mean you're applying for a scholarship? I told you that I'd lend you the money and that hasn't changed. I believe in your talent Justin. So you will take the money and finish school. No arguments. Now if you'll excuse me I have to be somewhere before they close." Brian opened the door and started to get into the jeep when Justin grabbed the keys from him. 

 

"Not in your condition, you won't. Brian you could kill someone, and not only yourself. Move over, I'll drive you. Where to?" Justin said sliding into the driver's seat with getting no objections from Brian. 

 

"To the liquor store then, Sonny Boy. Then back to the loft to have a drink with me, and don't say no." 

 

After buying a half gallon of Jim Beam they headed back to the loft to have that drink. Before Justin knew it he was as drunk as Brian. Stumbling up the stairs to the bathroom Justin found himself in the bedroom. His heart raced as he felt Brian's arms wrap around him. A soft kiss on his neck, hands caressing his body, was all it took for Justin to give in to his desire for Brian Kinney. There was nothing he wouldn't do for Brian. 

 

Brian carried him to the bed and released him, covering his body with his own. Justin's hard cock pressing against his stomach was all it took for Brian to lose control. He kissed the younger man hard and ripped his shirt open to feel his skin on his hands. He lowered his lips to cover a taunt nipple and lightly sucked on it, flicking his tongue roughly over it. His hands entwined in Justin's hair as he heard the deep moan escape his lover's throat. His own cock grew harder as he ground his hips against Justin. Brian reached up and pulled his lover hands above his head and held them there. He began his slow descent to Justin's waist. Pulling the blonde's pants down Brian stopped and marveled at how big he was. His cock was perfect, thick, and long. He loved the taste of Justin more than anything. His mouth enveloped his cock as he slowly ran his tongue up and down the shaft stopping briefly to flick his tongue over the head, tasting the pre-cum that was already there. He tasted salty and sweet, just as Brian remembered. He listened for the rapid breathing and moans that would tell him that Justin was at the point of no return. As he felt Justin's cock down his throat, he heard the sharp intake of breath that told him that now was the time to move. 

 

Brian released his lover's arms and rolled them over until Justin was on top of him. His cock pressing against Justin told the younger man how much he wanted him. Without a word Brian turned over and allowed Justin entrance. Feeling Justin's tongue slowly licking around his pucker made Brian almost cum. He gasped as Justin's wet tongue entered him over and over. Justin's fingers replaced his tongue until he was sure that Brian was ready. Grabbing the lube and a condom, he prepared himself for what was to come. Slowly pressing the head of his cock into Brian he held his breath until he heard him beg to continue. Justin pushed in all the way and began to thrust deep inside his lover. He felt Brian's breath quicken as he pressed against his prostate. Reaching around to take his lover's cock in his hand Justin matched his strokes with his thrusts. Feeling Brian's dick tighten he knew that it was only a matter of moments before they both came. Quickening his pace Justin thrust deeper into Brian more than he ever remembered. When he felt Brian's cum on his hand he finally allowed himself the same release. 

 

"Oh. God. Justin. Justin. UH. UH. Justin I love you. I love you Justin. I love you," Brian panted before finally succumbing to the darkness the alcohol had brought with it. 

 

Justin lay there catching his breath, holding his lover. At first he didn't think he had actually heard it. But as he lay there he knew it was real, he also knew that it changed nothing. Brian still couldn't tell him he loved him when he was sober. Without that he had nothing. Justin gathered his things and quietly left the loft and Brian. 

 

Brian woke the next morning with a hangover from hell. It was all he could do just to sit up without throwing up. He tried to remember what happened the night before but all he could remember was Justin being there. He searched his alcohol clouded mind for answers to what happened but to no avail. Looking around the room he noticed that the sheets were twisted and he was naked, that was nothing new on a Saturday morning. Getting up and heading to the bathroom he looked for some sign of who had been in his bed. Seeing no one around the loft he laid back down in the bed and closed his eyes. Taking a deep breath he caught the scent of Justin's cologne on his pillow. It dawned on him that Justin must have been in his bed sometime the night before. But where was he now? And just what had happened? 

 

Justin sat at the window and watched the rain falling, thinking of the night before and Brian. Why did he let Brian have this hold over him? 'Why can't I just get over him and move on?' he thought to himself. 'Because I love him that's why, and nothing will ever change that.' 

 

"Justin?" Jennifer called out to her son. "Honey, where are you? Lindsay is on the phone, she wants to know if you can watch Gus for her for a few hours tonight. What should I tell her?" 

 

"I'm down here mom. Tell her yes and find out what time. I have nothing to do tonight." 

 

Justin got ready and was at Lindsay and Mel's in plenty of time for them to make the ballet. 

 

"Justin, thank you so much," Melanie said kissing him on the cheek. "Our babysitter got sick and I thought we weren't able to go. This means a lot to Lindsay, and to me." 

 

"No problem Mel, I love watching Gus. Besides I had nothing to do tonight." 

 

"A hot little fuck like you with nothing to do? What has this world come to?" Lindsay teased as she finished kissing Gus goodbye. "Just make sure he's in bed by eight. Help yourself to anything in the fridge. We'll be back by midnight. Thank you Justin," Lindsay kissed his cheek and shut the door behind them. 

 

Justin spent the evening playing bowling with Gus. After feeding him spaghetti o's and milk for dinner, Justin put the little boy to bed. He sat in the rocking chair in the corner and started to sketch the sleeping child. He was so lost in his sketching that he did not hear Brian let himself in. 

 

"LINDSAY. LINDSAY WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?" 

 

Brian took the stairs two at a time, searching for his son in a drunken stupor. He pushed open Gus' door and found Justin sitting there. "What the fuck are you doing here with MY son?" 

 

"I'm babysitting. What are you doing here?" 

 

"I'm here to see my son." He moved to wake Gus and Justin jumped in front of him. 

 

"You are not waking him. He just went to sleep. Come on Bri, let's go downstairs and get you some coffee." 

 

"I don't want any coffee," Brian protested but allowed himself to be led downstairs. Justin sat him down on the couch and went to make coffee. 

 

"How did you get here Brian?" he called from the kitchen. 

 

"I drove." 

 

"I was afraid of that. Here take this," Justin handed him a cup of black coffee. "Brian you can't just barge in here and expect Gus to be up. It's late. Maybe you should stay here until Lindsay gets back, then I'll take you home." 

 

"I don't need you to take me home. I can take care of myself," Brian stood spilling coffee down the front of his shirt. "Fuck," he muttered. 

 

"Yeah, sure you can. Sit down Brian. What do you think you're doing? You're going to kill yourself if you keep drinking like this." 

 

"Who would care? They all think I'm just a heartless prick anyway, you included." 

 

"I don't think you're heartless, Brian just messed up. If you would just let yourself be loved maybe things would be different." 

 

"Don't you dare tell me how to live my life. You walked out on me for that fucking violinist. Is he good? Does he fuck you as good as I do? Does he make you moan and cum?" 

 

"I don't have to listen to this Brian. You know, you pushed me out that fucking door. As for my relationship with Ethan, that's none of your business." 

 

"It is my business Sunshine. I taught you how to fuck. How to take it like a man. Don't tell me you let him fuck you." 

 

"No one fucks me Bri." 

 

"I did." 

 

"You're different." 

 

"How?" 

 

"I loved you." 

 

"You don't know anything about love Justin. To you love is something good and sweet. To me love is pain and hurt, love fucking sucks." 

 

"You're wrong Brian. Love is good. You're the one who doesn't know anything about love." 

 

"I know all about love. I know that my dad hit me everyday and then tried to make it right by saying he loved me. My mother just watched, yet now the bitch thinks I should love her for it. Fuck Love. Love is overrated." 

 

"I'm sorry you feel that way. But I will always believe in love, maybe someday you will too." 

 

"Don't count on it." 

 

"I've learned not to count on you for anything Brian," Justin stood and walked away from him. Brian stumbled to his feet and grabbed Justin's arm. 

 

"Don't you fucking walk away from me Sonny Boy. Stay here and be a man." Brian tripped and fell, knocking them both to the floor, as he fell Justin hit his head on the wall. They were still on the floor when Lindsay and Melanie arrived home. 

 

"Justin. Oh my god Brian what did you do him?" Melanie screamed as Lindsay checked on Brian. Melanie grabbed the phone and dialed 911 as she held a kitchen towel to Justin's head. 

 

"Brian. Brian. BRIAN!" Lindsay screamed at the man on the floor. His eyes opened slowly and he grimaced against the pain that gripped him. 

 

"FUCK." 

 

"Brian what happened? Did you do that to Justin?" 

 

"Do what to Justin?" 

 

Lindsay grabbed his head and turned him to look at Justin lying on the floor. "Look at him Brian. What the hell happened?" 

 

"I don't know. Last thing I remember was spilling coffee on my shirt." 

 

"How much have you had to drink tonight?" 

 

"A lot." 

 

"Fuck. Get up, the ambulance is on it's way here for Justin and if they find you here drunk like this you could be charged with assault. Come on let's get you upstairs," Lindsay said pulling him to his feet. Brian walked unsteadily up the stairs and fell onto the bed and gave into the darkness. Lindsay ran back downstairs to help Melanie with Justin. 

 

"You should have let him go to jail. Maybe then he would stop this destructive behavior." 

 

"He's hurting Mel, just give him a chance." 

 

"I'm so sick of you always defending him. Look at him. He's a fucking wreck. He is going to destroy everyone that loves him. Look at Justin, he's finally wised up and left the asshole and now look at him." 

 

"Justin will be fine, Mel." 

 

"How can you say that when you see him lying here in a pool of blood. He almost died a year ago and that was Brian's fault as well." 

 

Justin came to just in time to hear the women arguing about Brian. Groaning against the pain he struggled to sit up, "It wasn't Brian's fault Melanie." 

 

"Fuck now you're defending him too. Justin you could have died." 

 

"But I didn't, this is not Brian's fault. He fell and it just so happened that I was next to him. Don't blame him for this. It's my fault, I pulled away from him and he tripped over Gus' bowling pins." 

 

"I can't believe you. You're sitting here with blood streaming down your face, and you're still defending the bastard. What the fuck is wrong with you Justin? Why can't you just get over him and get the fuck away from him before he kills you?" 

 

"Could you just walk away from Lindsay?" 

 

"No." 

 

"Well then you understand why I can't just leave him. I love him Melanie. I always will, no matter what." 

 

Justin was cut off by the arrival of rescue personnel. They checked Justin over thoroughly and advising them that he should be transported to the hospital for stitches and observation. Lindsay said she would drive him over and Justin thanked her. 

 

On the drive to the hospital Lindsay tried to figure out just what was going on between the two men. Justin explained what took place the night before and how Brian seemed not to remember any of it. Lindsay shook her head and reminded Justin that he was drinking heavily and that he didn't mean to hurt Justin. 

 

"I know that Lindsay, but he told me he loved me. Now he's forgotten all about it. AGAIN." 

 

"What do you mean again?" 

 

"The first night we were together, the night you had Gus, he told me he loved me then." 

 

"Oh honey. I'm sure he meant it. It's just that love is hard for Brian. He didn't have the best home life growing up. To him love is something everyone else gets to have. He feels he isn't deserving of love. Gus is the only one Brian has shown any signs of loving." 

 

"That's just it Lindz, he tells me he loves me in all of his actions, so why isn't that enough for me? Why do I have to hear him say it?" 

 

"Because you love him and you want him to proclaim his love for you publicly, just once." 

 

"I guess. All I know is that I love him. I'm miserable without him and I'm even more miserable with him lately. I just want him to love me Lindsay." 

 

"He does honey. Look at everything he's done for you. He's paying for your school, he bought you that computer so you could draw again. He kept you from dropping out of school after the bashing. He just hasn't realized how much he loves you yet." 

 

"I just don't know if I can wait for him to realize it. I need it now." 

 

"Don't give up on him just yet." 

 

Justin was sitting in the exam room getting the last of his stitches when Brian walked in. He walked over and sat next to Justin, holding his hand as the doctor finished the last stitch. Waiting until the doctor had left to speak, Brian held onto Justin. 

 

"I'm sorry. Melanie bitched me out for hurting you again. Did I really do that to you?" 

 

"It wasn't your fault. I shouldn't have pulled away so hard. It's not as bad as it looks." 

 

"How many stitches?" 

 

"Twelve. Not as many as when I got hit in the head by the bat so you're ok." Seeing Brian's eyes darken, Justin quickly covered, "Sorry, I just meant it isn't as bad. I'll be fine." 

 

"Well come on Lindsay's waiting to take us home. She says we're both staying on the couch tonight and I don't think she's gonna take no for an answer." Brian took Justin's hand and they walked out of the exam room together. Justin turned to Brian and asked "Did you mean it?" 

 

"Mean what Sunshine?" 

 

"When you said you could never love me?"


	2. One Fateful Night

"Why does it matter?" 

 

"Because I need to know. Did you ever love me?" 

 

"You know how I feel about love Justin. Why do you keep pressing this?" 

 

"Because I need to know. Because if you never loved me then it was all wasted." 

 

"Believe what you want." 

 

"JUST FUCKING TELL ME BRIAN. YOU OWE ME THAT MUCH. I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF YOU EVER JUST ONCE IN THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME WE WERE TOGETHER LOVED ME. WHY CAN'T YOU GIVE ME THAT?" 

 

"LEAVE IT ALONE JUSTIN. Just leave it alone. Don't push me on this." 

 

"Fuck you Brian," Justin walked away from Brian as Lindsay watched. Brian ran across the street and grabbed the young man's arm turning him around forcefully. 

 

"Don't you ever walk away from me again," he said through clenched teeth. "You want the truth, here it is. YES I LOVED YOU. I always loved you. But it didn't matter, you had Ethan and I had nothing to offer you." 

 

"So you just let me go? No matter how I felt about it? You selfish asshole. Why couldn't you just tell me you loved me? If you had said it just once I would have stayed forever." 

 

"That's why I never told you. You had to go." 

 

"Why? Why push me away if you love me Brian?" 

 

"Because you would get hurt if you stayed with me. And I don't want to be the reason you cry again." 

 

"So you push me into the arms of another man and that makes it all better?" 

 

"Yes." 

 

"Well guess what asshole, it didn't work. I still love you and nothing you do will ever stop me from loving you. You can hurt me over and over and I will still be here. Call me crazy but I want to be with you." 

 

"I don't want to be with you." 

 

"YOU FUCKING LIAR. HOW DARE YOU LIE TO ME. I CAN TAKE YOU PUSHING ME AWAY AND NOT SHOWING ME ANY LOVE BUT TO LIE AND TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME, WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT?" 

 

"Calm down Justin." 

 

"You know what Brian, FUCK YOU," Justin pulled away from him and ran from the building with Brian chasing him. Brian lost him several minutes later and finally stopped running. His mind ran through all the possible places Justin could have gone and he made his first stop at Ethan's. Brian banged loudly on the door yelling for Ethan to answer. The younger man finally opened the door to find Brian yelling at him. 

 

"Where is he? Where the fuck is Justin?" 

 

"How the hell should I know? He left here a month ago and hasn't been back since." 

 

"What? Where has he been staying?" 

 

"I have no idea and frankly, I don't care." 

 

Brian stepped back and started to walk out the door. As he crossed the threshold his anger got the best of him and he turned back to the surprised young man. 

 

"You little bastard. You make him think that life with you would be so damn good and then you just let him leave without even knowing where he went? I should have done this a long time ago." 

 

Brian caught the young man unaware with a right hook that knocked him off his feet. Bending over him he spat, "You fucking bastard, I should kick the shit out of you for what you did to him. Lucky for you finding Justin is more important right now. Rest assured Violin Boy this is far from over." 

 

Brian stormed from the apartment and ran back out into the night to search for Justin. He spent the next six hours wandering the city looking for him. He checked all the usual spots, Deb's, Emmett's, and Daphne's to no avail. No one had seen or heard from Justin. Two weeks passed without any sign of him and Brian was beginning to get worried. He contacted a private detective and was just about to call out the National Guard when Justin walked into the loft.


	3. One Fateful Night

"Justin." Brian was relieved to see him standing there but when he got no response he began to worry about why he was really here. Justin pushed past his lover and scanned the room to see if anyone else was there. When he was satisfied they were alone, he turned back to face Brian. 

 

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" 

 

"Justin sit down, we need to talk about this but first you need to calm down." 

 

"I'm sick of you telling me what to do. From now on I will do exactly what I want to do. So shut the fuck up Brian." 

 

"Justin please just listen to me. I'm sorry about what I said." 

 

"No you aren't. You're never sorry for anything you do Brian. And I for one am sick of it. It's high time you own up to everything you have ever done." 

 

"Justin come on, just sit down." 

 

Justin interrupted him and casually said, "And I'm going to make sure you get everything you deserve. I think I'll start with Michael." 

 

There was a knock on the door and Brian opened it to find all of his friend's there. "What are you doing here?" 

 

"Justin called and asked us to meet him here," Emmett said pushing past Brian and kissing Justin on the cheek before sitting down. Justin looked around at the all people gathered around and began to laugh. They all stared at the younger man until he began to speak. 

 

"I called you all here because I have a few things I want to tell you about Brian Kinney. I think you will all find this interesting so sit back and shut up." Justin walked over to Michael and shook his head in disgust. 

 

"You make me sick, Michael. With your immature behavior and your constant disapproval of my relationship with Brian. It's high time you grew up and got over your sick delusions that Brian will ever be anything more than your friend. He loves me you idiot." 

 

"Wait a damn minute Sunshine," Debbie snapped. Justin turned to her and laughed. 

 

"Oh you fucking know it's true. Your precious little Mikey is still hung up on Brian. Has been for years. Let me tell you a few things about precious Mikey. He is always making Brian feel like shit about himself. And he is always depending on Brian to make his life ok. Well you know what Deb, it's over. Michael can take care of his own fucking self." 

 

Justin turned to face Ben adding, "And Ben, you'll never measure up. Michael wants Brian. Funny thing is Brian offered it to him right after he found out about the time you two fucked, but Mikey got scared and said NO. But that never stopped his pitiful ass from trying to break me and Brian up. I hate to tell you this but no amount of prayer or meditation will help you when he decides that you are not Brian therefore you aren't good enough. Just ask Dr. Dave." 

 

"Justin, honey, stop this and come home." 

 

"No mom, I'm right where I belong. WITH BRIAN. You acted like you were all in support of my life but then you go and tell Brian to stay away from me. What the fuck were you thinking? Mom, he watched me get hit in the fucking head with a bat, and HE was the one to hold me as I lay there bleeding to death. It was Brian who gave me the strength to get past it and live. And you have the nerve to tell him to stay away from me. You bitch." 

 

Brian stepped in front of Justin and looked him in the eyes, "Stop this while you still can, Justin." 

 

"No. I'm just telling the truth. And I'm not done yet. So move." Brian sat down on the couch and watched as Justin went on. Justin turned to Ted next. 

 

"As for you, Mr. Porn, how dare you look down on Brian. You want to be him so damn bad you can taste it. It kills you that he gets any man he wants and you can't even get a fucking date. No wonder you have to fucking sell porn." 

 

Ted shook his head and did not respond. Justin looked around the room, he saw Debbie and Jennifer sitting in a corner crying softly, while Michael looked ready to kill him. His eyes landed on Lindsay and he smiled at her before the attack began. 

 

"As for you Lindsay, you're probably the worst. You say you love and support Brian but you are the first one to push him away. He wanted to stay for your wedding and you sent him to the White Party. Couldn't you see that he was begging you to see him differently? He gave you a son, a son you forced him to give up. I saw how hard it was for him to do that. He loves Gus more than any of you can imagine. And you made him give him up. Brian has always given you anything you wanted or needed. It was Brian who sacrificed so that you and Melanie would get back together. It was Brian who made your wedding happen. It was Brian who loved you and let you know that it wasn't you who needed approval but your parents." 

 

Turning to Melanie he shot her a dirty look and added, "and you self-righteous, sanctimonious bitch, you don't even deserve to be in the same airspace as Brian Kinney. You are always putting him down and badmouthing him, when you are no better than he is. At least Brian never told me he would never fuck someone else. You cheated on Lindsay. And even after every bad thing you said about him, Brian still gave his parental rights over to you. Even when you helped him with Kip, you treated him like a second rate citizen. Brian is the one who gave up something special and important for you. It was Brian who stood up for you at the hospital when Gus was sick. Yet you keep living in this world where Brian is the enemy." 

 

Justin took a deep breath and looked at Brian. As he stared at Brian he added to no one in particular," Brian Kinney loves you all so much he would give up the world for you and you don't even appreciate it. He gave up so much for all of you. Debbie when you got sick Brian offered to pay your mortgage, and Michael it was Brian who helped you buy the store. Hell Brian has done more for you than he does for himself. It's no wonder he is afraid to let himself love me. If this was the love I knew I would be scared to death of love as well. All of you make me sick. Get the fuck out. And don't come back until you realize just who Brian really is. And don't ever let me hear you say another bad thing about him again." 

 

Justin pulled the door open and the gang all left in silence, still stunned by what had just happened. Brian waited til the door closed before speaking. 

 

"You DID NOT have to do that." 

 

"Yes I did. But this doesn't change anything. I'm still pissed at you." 

 

"And how do I get you to forgive me? Justin I would do anything for you. Just tell me what to do." Brian watched as Justin walked to the window and stared out in silence.


	4. One Fateful Night

"Brian, I'm not making this easy for you. I want it all. I want the romance, I want the flowers, I want the love. If you can't do that then I can't stay. I need to know that you love me." 

 

"I do love you, Justin." 

 

"Then it's up to you to prove it. Make me feel loved." 

 

Justin walked out shutting the door softly behind him, leaving Brian to mull over what he had just said. Brian sat in the same spot for hours just thinking about Justin and what he needed out of this relationship. He was still lost in thought when the phone rang. Absentmindedly picking it up he regretted it the second he heard Michael's voice on the other end. 

 

"What the fuck did he think he was doing telling off your friends like that? How dare he talk to my mom that way. What the fuck is going on with that little asshole?" 

 

"Shut the fuck up Mikey. He had every right to tell you off." Brian slammed the phone down. 

 

sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

I sit at the bar at Woody's just waiting. Waiting for what? For Brian to fucking wake up and love me. I am so fucking stupid to think that he could just give me what I demanded. I sense him before I hear him. I turn to look at him, anger in my eyes. 

 

"Justin." 

 

"Ethan. What the fuck are you doing here? Following me now?" 

 

"You wish. I'm meeting someone." 

 

"Good for you. Someone else to lie to and cheat on." 

 

"Grow up Justin. I never promised you forever." 

 

"No you just promised me a life of lies." I look past him as Brian walks in the door. I start to turn away until I notice he is heading straight for us. I wait for him to tell Ethan to get lost but instead he sits down next to him. 

 

"Ethan, glad you could you make," he says with a sideways glance at me. "Justin," he nods to me as if he just realized I am there. "Let's go." 

 

What the fuck? I wonder. Brian with Ethan? Fuck can this day get any worse. I turn back to the bar and order another double and look around the room for anyone to take the pain away. I find him watching me and I move in an alcohol haze towards him. 

 

Tall, thin, dark hair, just my type I think as I lean in and whisper to him. "I'm gonna fuck you. I'm gonna fuck you all night." I pull him by the shirt out to the alley behind the bar and push him against the wall, grasping at his pants until I have them around his ankles and push into him hard. I fuck him because he's there and because I need to erase Brian from my memory tonight. 

 

"Justin." I turn to find Brian watching me fuck the trick and I pull out of him and push him away. I walk in a daze towards him. Looking up at him I see the anger flash in his eyes before he took me into his arms and took me home. 

 

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I sit with Ethan and order a double Beam, straight, and I hand him the envelope. He takes it and looks at me questioningly before opening it. He takes out the money and the ticket and he asks, "What is this for?" 

 

"For you to get the fuck away from Justin. Take it, there's enough there for you to start a life away from here." 

 

"And if I don't?" 

 

"You'll regret it for the rest of your life." 

 

"You think that you can just buy me off? Fuck you Brian. If I want him back I can have him and you know it or you wouldn't be here right now offering me this money." Ethan threw the envelope at him and walked out. 

 

I looked up to find Justin gone. I asked Jim at the bar where he went and he pointed to the back alley. I walked out to find him fucking some trick and my heart sank. I wanted to kill the man but more than that I wanted to hold Justin. 

 

"Justin." He looked up and pushed away from the other man and next thing I knew he was in my arms. I took him home and put him in my bed, holding him all night. I wanted to make love to him but I knew it had to be on his terms this time and this was not the way I wanted it. He was drunk and hurting. And I loved him too much to use that as an excuse to be close to him. I woke the next morning to find him gone. 

 

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I woke up in Brian's bed fully clothed. I watched him sleep for a while before I got up and grabbed my shoes and jacket. I had to know. I found myself at Ethan's door. 

 

"What do YOU want?" 

 

"I want to know what that was about last night. What were you doing with Brian?" 

 

"He tried to pay me off to leave town. Seems your lover is afraid you'll come running back to me." 

 

"I find that hard to believe. Brian Kinney is not the type to worry about his lovers leaving him." 

 

"But see you did leave him and now he knows that you can and will again. Go back to him Justin. You two deserve each other." 

 

I ran all the way back to the loft. I found the envelope of money in his jacket pocket. Counting the money I was shocked to find he offered Ethan $100,000 to leave. I was more shocked that Ethan didn't take the money. I threw the envelope on the desk and slammed the door on my way out. 

 

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I stumbled to the kitchen to make coffee and saw the envelope on the desk. He knows. Picking it up I saw that it was all still there, but where was Justin? I had to find him. I dressed quickly for once not worrying about how I looked and grabbed my keys. I drove around town for an hour and still hadn't found him. I was beginning to get worried. 

 

I called his mom and Debbie and neither had seen him since that day at the loft. I had no idea where he could be and that worried me. I drove to Daphne's and pounded on her door until she finally answered. She too had not seen him. She did tell me that he had been staying with her for the last two weeks and that he was not in the best frame of mind. 

 

My last resort was Ethan. I didn't want to think of him running to Ethan but I had to know he was ok. 

 

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I went back to Ethan's to settle some things. He opened the door more annoyed with me than before. I was so angry at his arrogance that I attacked him. 

 

"You stupid little faggot. Do you know how fucking sorry you are? You think you are this genius violinist when all you are is a selfish, self centered asshole. You make me sick." 

 

I spit in his face before I punched him. When he hit the ground all the anger I had bottled up inside broke free and I kicked him until he lay on the floor in a bloody heap. It felt good to hit him. It felt good to let the anger out. I was still standing over him screaming at him when I heard him. 

 

"JUSTIN. STOP." He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of there. And I let him. I would let him do anything. I loved him. 

 

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I heard him before I saw him. He was with Ethan alright, but they were not back together. I found Justin kicking him. I had never seen him so angry. I will never forget the words he was screaming when I stepped through the door. They will haunt me til the day I die. 

 

"You bastard. I hate you. I only went with you because I loved him so much and he destroyed me. Brian Kinney destroyed my belief in love. And you..you destroyed my faith in him." 

 

"JUSTIN," I yelled at him to stop. He stared at me with empty eyes and I knew I had to get him out of there before he killed the boy. I put him in the jeep and just sat there. 

 

"What have I done? Oh Justin, what did I do to bring you to this? Where are you? Are you still in there somewhere baby? I love you. I love you Justin. Please you have to snap out of this and come back to me." 

 

He sat and stared at me without saying a word and I knew I had to find a way to reach him. I drove him back to the loft and carried him up the stairs to bed. He slept and I thought. 

 

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I once again woke in Brian's bed. ALONE. Getting up I went downstairs to find him sitting by the window. He looked up when I sat beside him but he didn't speak. He just stood and walked away from me returning a few minutes later with an envelope and threw it at me. I opened it afraid of what I would find. 

 

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Justin, 

I'm sorry. I never gave you what you needed and I pushed you into his arms. I will regret that until the day I die. I love you. You told me that you wanted it all. So I am giving it all to you. 

 

I want you Justin. Not for a night but for eternity. If you want flowers and picnics on the floor, if you need declarations of love, if that's what it takes to bring the light back to your eyes and to keep you here with me forever, then I'll give you that. 

 

I have made so many mistakes when it comes to us baby. I should have told you that night. I should have told you I loved you at your prom. I wanted to I really did, but I was scared that you wouldn't feel the same. I should have came into your room every night instead I sat outside and watched you sleep. There are so many things I should have done. I should have done whatever it took to keep you with me. 

 

I thought you would be better off with him. I thought you would be happier with him. So I let you go. I pushed you into his arms. Thinking of you in bed with him nearly killed me. I tried to forget you. I did everything I could to get you out of my head. But I couldn't. 

 

I love you. I want the chance to show you how much. I want the chance to make you smile again. Whatever it takes I will do it. If you want me to beg, I'll beg. Just please love me again. My life is empty without you. I need you Justin. 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is I love you and I want you to come home. So Justin would you please come back home to me? "


	5. One Fateful Night

I read the words on the page and for some reason I could not let myself feel the joy I longed for. He was waiting there for me to say anything. I looked at Brian and a sadness washed over me before I stood. I put my hand on his cheek and wiped away a tear that slid silently down. With a sad smile I turned and walked to the door. Just before leaving I turned back to face him one last time. 

 

"I'm sorry Brian, I just can't." I opened the door and left him in silence. 

 

It's been two days since I left and I need to see him. I need to tell him why I did what I did. I find myself standing outside his door waiting for him to answer with my heart in my throat. 

 

"What do you want?" he asked when he found me standing there. 

 

"I just want to explain. May I come in?" I waited for him to move aside, but he didn't. 

 

"Save it. I offered you want you wanted and you left. Enough said, I understand." 

 

"That wasn't how it was Brian. Just let me explain. Please?" 

 

He moved aside and I went inside his sanctuary. Everything still looked the same, somehow I thought it would be different today. I looked around the room , searching, for what I wasn't sure. 

 

"I'm alone." 

 

"I wasn't looking for tricks Brian. I just want to remember this." 

 

"Why are you here? You said it all two days ago when you said nothing." 

 

"Just give me a chance to tell you why." 

 

"Knock yourself out," he said sitting down at the counter picking up his drink. 

 

"Brian I love you. That hasn't changed." 

 

"Well isn't that just great." 

 

"Brian please. What you offered me was exactly what I thought I wanted, but now I'm not so sure. I just need time to figure out where I need to be, where I want my life to go. Things were so simple before Ethan. I wanted you to love me. Now you say you do, hell you offered him thousands of dollars to leave me alone. But your money can't fix this. This is my problem now and I have to deal with it." 

 

"And what exactly is the problem?" 

 

"Me. I'm the problem. Brian I just can't figure out what I'm doing. Ever since I got hit in the head with that bat my life has been spinning out of control. I need some time to myself. Do you understand that?" 

 

"No. I want you here with me Justin. I am offering you everything you ever said you wanted. And now that isn't good enough. What do you want me to do? I can't turn back time and make it so you don't get bashed. Even I'm not that good." 

 

"I just want you to wait for me. I want to know that you'll be here when I figure it all out." 

 

"I can't do that. It's all or nothing Justin." 

 

"Then I guess I have no choice. I choose NOTHING." 

 

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I watched him walk back into my loft and my heart leapt at the sight of him standing there. But something told me that this would not end the way I wanted. I wanted Justin. 

 

He told me he loved me and I should have been happy to hear that but I knew it wasn't forever. His eyes seemed so distant. This was not the same Justin I knew a year ago. This Justin seemed sadder somehow. This Justin seemed lost. And I was so scared that I would never find the old Justin again. 

 

He all but begged me to help him justify his actions but I knew that if I tried to save him this time I would lose him forever. So I had to let him go. 

 

He asked me to wait for him. God how I wanted to wait. I would have waited forever for Justin. But this wasn't my Justin. This Justin was someone neither of us knew. 

 

So I told him, "I can't do that. It's all or nothing Justin." 

 

He chose nothing and walked out without looking back. My heart broke and I slumped shattered against the door. I kept telling myself I had to let him go. This was what was best for him. He had so many demons to deal with and he had to do it on his own. I couldn't fix it for him this time. 

 

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I can't believe he just let me leave without a fight. Maybe Ethan was right and I wasn't worth fighting for. I was just so confused. Everything that has happened since Hobbs took away my life makes no sense. Maybe that’s why I went with Ethan. Maybe in time Brian could forgive me for what I was about to do. I left without saying goodbye to him.

 

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I went to Daphne's to tell him that I had changed my mind only to find him gone. He had really left. Justin Taylor was gone. Maybe forever.


End file.
